Hospitals



The minute another one's gone with the season,
you start to realise that your body isn't just a bag of water.

It is merely a version of a hospital,
carrying in casualties and doing whatever it is able to heal them.
Mend their bones,

Stitch them together,
Rest their knees.

The body will then prove to you that it is far more capable than you think and it will start to save many lives.
It will get used to the warmth of having beds of visitors and countless surgeries,
and it will not mind the collective injury altogether.

What happens next is that the casualties gets to get better,
and they will be able to walk back on their own two feet again; straight up.
The visitors eventually crawl out to exit in a perfect line by the check out counter and leave out in the open; back to wherever it is they came from,

and the body then starts to shrink.

The body starts to realise that the better it heals, the quicker it will purge itself.
The familiar corridors, slowly becoming doorways with no doors;
The elevator, into a deep endless well;
The waiting rooms, into spaces with nothing to actually wait for.

This is the part where the body swells and questions its place in the world.
The part where it curses why it is what it is,
The part where it wishes it was some other building that instead carries in bright-eyed people that knows what they signed up for,
The part where it demands for something it cannot carry for the long run.

The dangerous thing about being able,
is that it has to be just you that fills yourself in the end.




Would you look at that.
The bandages are running low, again.

You should get them soon.

Wildfire


You once told me I was faithless.

I wish you could see it;
The wildfire behind these hills.
They've been screaming for us. Our names.

For years,
For centuries,

For a lifetime.

I have put them in despair.
I have put us all in despair.

And yet, here we are.

Here I am, asking you to lead me straight to it.
Here you are, searching for the ground in which I am walking on.

You once told me I was faithless.

Now if that wasn't the faith you were expecting,
then I hope one day you get to understand.

The Devil


When I was a child I was convinced that the devil had no name.

I used to think that he was an entity that was literally everywhere all the time, slipping through everyone in every corner and that was just how it is.

I used to sleep on the left side of my bed and made space for him, just to let him know that he doesn't have to slip through me he can just lie down next to me instead and mind his own business.
I used to pray before every meal just to let him know that I'm famished and protected and totally not alone and he can just go do something else that doesn't involve my female gastro rage that I think is a lot more vicious than what he makes of himself.

Even when I didn't know any better, I was so sure that whenever your body feels like an uninvited guest is crawling through the depths of your flesh and shivers you down to your spine,
You are supposed to pretend that you're not shaking and really trick yourself into thinking that you can beat this. That you can manage this. That you can take this. That you own this.
When years went by and I had the privilege to learn better, I learned that the devil was not who I thought he was.

He wasn't an invisible entity that could transform into whatever your mind wants him to become.
He doesn't just die when you strike him down with your faith-based sentences or your mythical gun or your fictional double-edged dagger.
No; The devil did have a name.
He had one so easy to pronounce that it rolled off my tongue instantly the moment I learned what it was.
Its name sounded so familiar, it almost sounded just like yours.

The devil does not die when he leaves.
He comes in a figure that was so human you almost feel sorry for him you offer him shelter.
The devil leaves a mark so big and visible that he is now much more alive than the last time you left him.
The devil doesn't leave; He stays,
and you become his reflection.
You become his fingerprint.
You become his epilogue.
You become him.

The Pivotal Moment


One night I managed to not sleep at all pondering about the word 'pivotal'.
I mean, okay, sure, pivotal.
You know that one moment where you have absolutely no idea where you've plucked the word from and why, out of all the words, it just had to be that one that endures?

I looked it up to figure out what it meant in which it showcased words 'vitally important', along with 'serious', and 'critical', and 'all-important', and 'substantial';
and 'burning'.
I stopped and went with that one.

The world recognized this and I am fazed.

I am fazed knowing that for something to be substantial- and important- and glimmering; is that it has to be burning.
The world recognized this and noone bothered to leave a yellow highlighter on it.
Now, I thought, I finally had a word to highlight it with.

You know; The scene when I came to your rotten event and you told everyone that I wanted to be there and you actually thought that I did and all your friends thought that I was edgy.
The scene when I waited 4 hours in my parents' living room for you to come by just to tell me that things aren't going the way you pictured and you thought that I could handle it.
The scene when I listened to my favourite track off of my favourite record and the first thing I saw was you tying your shoe laces on my front porch and that it didn't matter.
The scene when you told me that I was your saviour and for a moment I almost believed that I was.

Isn't it spellbinding how the mind can steer you in full auto-pilot to something that you didn't even know existed and makes you go, "Hell, that's a fucking good one."

Your mind is a compass that moves in a reckless but precise motion and wherever it takes you,
You, you are supposed to just follow it through and expect your worst to become your best.
It is a gift to have been brought to a beautiful holocaust that will leave you majestic and non-forgiving and prosperous.
This has to be this way and you,
You are meant to be this way,
Burn this way,
Walk this way,
Win this way.

Girl, let them run from you.
Let them kick and scream and be terrified of you,
Look at you;
You are beaming bright in red and orange.

You see that?
It becomes one of those moments.

Those pivotal moments.

Things I Am Good At


Nineteen.
The present never indulged me in a way it did for people.
Having a notable meaning is a thing that they searched for,
Searched for; scraped, weeped, and moped for.
Wars were built on the process of finding.
I instead searched for the way to unlearn meanings.
I am good at unlearning.

Twenty five.
A hideout is a place I come back to in every moment in between agendas.
I carry it everywhere within every mile and it is not because I wish to escape,
But mostly because I never leave.
I would never desire it and I would never need to.
I've made a home out of every wreckage and it is what I do in my victorious days.
I am good at making a home out of things.

Twenty eight.
Colossal beings does not make me feel paltry.
I am bigger than most of them and it is a curse that I think this is exact.
Being an ocean does not mean that every traveller will roam in you eternally.
I carry the world on my backbones because I am able to.
I am good with being big.

Thirty two.
Time is a foreign thing.
I've managed to destroy most clocks within my space because it keeps looking;
Looking and making disreputable notices that involves me and the things I am not doing, the verbs I will not say, and the things I can not become.
Time mocks me in the most unrecognisable language that I seem to still understand.
I am good with foreign things.

Fourty seven.
Trains take people to destinations and away from them.
I do not grieve on this.
Departures and arrivals are plain meals people swallow in,
We stay in and yet we move lightly.
Moving is a thing we were built to undertake.
I am good with vehicles.

Thing is,
The thing about being good;
The dangerous thing about being good,
is that it still does not fill.

Mighty Mights




The monsoon has arrived.
Who is the tall dark figure that kneels before my disfigured porch?

The monsoon,
            has arrived.

It has come differently this time.
The pace was tighter.
Most landscapes changed in most sights,
The hills grew damp and the tides moved lighter.
What are these?

All these crippling heights,
                        and mighty mights.

It's just not quite the season.

2:15



I have come to a conclusion that this is it.

This is it, the moment you've been waiting for.

The open slot; The second act; The chance to gain back what you've lost.

But this is also the other it.

This is the moment you knew too well.

The false sunlight; The fragile barricade; The chance to become the villain of their story.

Sometimes when contemplating between the in-betweens,

You get to say,

"Au revoir,

I never said I was fair."

Binds


Three steps, contact

Contact, contact

What I lost, I counted.

Two steps, reverse, contact

Contact

The early stains.

       Three steps, forward, contact

Contact, contact

      Conclusion, we've reached to a conclusion.
   
 One step, contact

                                       Being clever is bleak,

                        

                        Let's leave together.





Nevermind,



           Leave it.

D Flat Major



I hear only myself talking to the other version of my duplicate.
I hear only wuthering spaces in between my own fingers.
I hear only slower versions of my fantasies in D flat major.
I hear only the old echoes of my memories kept inside a hapless box.
I hear only no one in disguise of a familiar acquaintance.
I hear only the movement of my flashbacks making an entrance.

For I am my own,
Slowing down in D flat major.

Improptu: #01


Nobody loses anyone because 
Nobody owns anyone.

Grow



"Don't you worry, it gets easier."
The world would have been a lot more enjoyable if only that was true.

Truth is, things don't get easier.

You get stronger.

To grow stronger, that is the difficult task.
Many of modern day individuals think that to fully come out alive the way you want yourself to requires you to demolish every weakness you think you have and focus on how to be strong.

Ignoring the whispers of your heart is not the solution.
Avoiding compassion is not the solution.
Holding your chin up high above other people's misery is also, not the solution.

What exactly is strength?
Strength is the capability of absorbing each and every grief that is within you and the ones that happen upon you, and being able to learn to take the blame and control it. 
Learn to take the blame. You can only change what you can control.

Avoiding a problem is not strength.
Being able to pick up a bad thought, to gently put it back down, and still strive in the end, is strength.

To all of you that thinks you're madly flawed: It's alright. Having flaws and all the rough edges inside of you makes you whole, it makes you human. And being human is not something you should be insecure about.

What matters is how you channel the bad energies inside of you whether it's putting it out on a certain media (diary, sketches, etc), through meditation, or to simply vent to a close friend, there are lots of ways to do it.

Strength is a tool. It is a tool to not only survive, but to also be happy and content.

So to all of you out there, have as many experience as possible,
and learn to love yourself.

12 minutes.



00.00 am
i'm smacking my head
00.01 am
your mouth isn't recovering
00.02 am
it didn't sound like you
00.03 am
it did sound like you
00.04 am
i'm not kind
00.05 am
you're not brave
00.06 am
tearful messages are naked
00.07 am
you lie constipated
00.08 am
your words move me still
00.09 am
i had my time
00.10 am
we don't learn
00.11 am
i never learn
00.12 am
we're ice and fire,
you and i.

Follow


Just because someone else is doing it doesn't mean you should.
Just because I'm doing it doesn't mean you should.
I never did the things you did.
Please let's come to an unstated understanding.
I hate to see you trying to be someone else that doesn't suit you.
That doesn't suit you.
I know we tend to be what we wish to be, but I wish you dreamt of being something else.
Yes, I'll see you tomorrow.

Dirty Hands


The downfalls of a person can be easily overlooked.
Unfortunately, the statement above does not suit me.

It's quite troubling for me to understand how it took me two years to realise how irritating a few of my close companions can be. It is also troubling for me to know that all this time I've been in a circle of people that I promised myself not to be around with.

Is it safe to say that this technically isn't hypocrisy? Is it safe to say that I'm not a hypocrite still?
I hope so.

Starting out new.



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mereology; study of part-whole relationships

Above acknowledges the real meaning behind the name of this blog that I've created.
It has been a while since I've had this thought of creating a platform for me to be completely loose about wanting to say the things I've never been able to say in other medias that I've had, so here I am starting out a new idea that I think I might enjoy, and I hope everyone out there might also.

Creating this platform is based on the situation where I've come to realise that I am a very shy person who longs to say quite a lot of things and yet is not brave enough to put it out there for everyone to hear. But whole-heartedly speaking, I am in love with sentences and the space between sentences. The statement doesn't necessarily mean that I am good in what I love- but love is love, and I'm here to (hopefully) stay and to keep writing.

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